To maintain your personal boundary when others are blaming, whining, labeling or in various ways trying to take advantage of you.
Listen for the 'BAWL' - Blaming, Avoiding, Whining & Labeling
1. Assess the situation. Determine your goals or outcomes. Create a statement of truth for you that is simple and direct that leads to achieving your goal.
2. When in "conversation" with a manipulator, remember that you do not have to answer their questions or divulge any information. Become immune to their "baiting" or "squirting" techniques.
3. Whatever distraction is presented to you - acknowledge it and then make your statement of truth or bottom line fact. Continue to maintain this focus until the energy to take advantage of you is released. Remember that people who do not want to take responsibility for themselves need others to blame in order to justify their lack of accomplishment. Your job is to avoid becoming the victim by repeating your statement like a broken record until there is no more resistance.
Your job is to avoid becoming the victim by repeating your statement like a broken record until there is no more resistance.
EXAMPLE:
One of the partners has set a boundary that they will not socialize with the other partners sister and brother in law because the brother in law is vulgar and has refused to honor the request to refrain from obscenities and find a more appropriate way to express himself.
WHINER: "Please, please, please. It won't hurt you just this once. I really want you to go to dinner with them."
DETERMINED: "Thank you for asking. I understand you want me to go to dinner with them, and I'm not going to socialize with your sister's husband."
WHINER: "Oh, I know you don't want to be around him, but my sister is a really nice person. If you don't go it will hurt her feelings."
DETERMINED: "Yes, your sister is a nice person. I do hope she understands my position, and
I'm not going to socialize with your sister's husband."
WHINER: "Well, if you don't go he'll be insulted and think you're rude. You can just ignore his language and do this one thing for me. If you loved me you'd want to go to be with me."
DETERMINED: "I love you deeply and cherish every precious moment we can sped together, and I'm not going to socialize with your sister's husband."
It's rare that the manipulator will continue the discussion past three rounds because there is no ammunition to fuel the battle.
At this point, DETERMINED can change the topic or gracefully exit.
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